Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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