today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize