your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
