I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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