just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Randomize
