I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
