hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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