I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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