I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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