In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
