Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
