I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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