i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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