Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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