He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
