Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
