Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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