If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
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Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
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By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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