hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
