Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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