five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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