Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Pooping to opera.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
