woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
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I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
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Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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