you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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