just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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