That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
