Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
