Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
