she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
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they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
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I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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