so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Randomize
