she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
