Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
