Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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