First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Is Oprah even human
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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