first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
That was before I lit my hair on fire
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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