apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
that may or may not have been my penis.
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