My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
