He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
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I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
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danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
FUCK WHALES
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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