She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
