can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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