Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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