Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
