there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
