You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
