best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
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I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
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I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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