I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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