my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
