I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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