I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
