I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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