Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
