True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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