I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
