he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
