We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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