The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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