I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
