hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
