you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
then he tried to convert me to islam
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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