glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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