oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
