My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
