I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
