Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
