guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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